Doug Miller The unconscious programing that we are entitled, when there is so much about who we are with which we are out of touch, and all of this is culturally sanctioned. This creates a defensive shame-based structure in which we must maintain a sense of control and competence at the expense of our true fulfillment and the fulfillment of those whom we love.
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Kusameh Hewa Omala Yeah. Do you feel it's changing?
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Kusameh Hewa Omala What's your vision for how it could be?
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Doug Miller It is the basis of a lot of deeper men's work. Specifically, developing for each man, vulnerability, emotional intelligence, deep relatedness and what I call inner power, which is the wisdom based on the three former things, along with the bringing those to the world in a clear and confident way and asking for what is wanted; it is contrasted with outer power and inner power is based in love.
I feel it's changing for some men, the #MeToo movement is actually catalyzing more, and there seems to be some major inroads in subsets of the younger generation. How it could be, human utopia, pretty much.
There are many great Mens Work programs, e.g., The ManKind Project, Remaking Manhood, etc... My focus is on deep personal transformation, healing the personal wounds that create dissociated aspects of self, which are then reinforced by cultural conditioning. I also focus on cultural conditioning.
ManageI feel it's changing for some men, the #MeToo movement is actually catalyzing more, and there seems to be some major inroads in subsets of the younger generation. How it could be, human utopia, pretty much.
There are many great Mens Work programs, e.g., The ManKind Project, Remaking Manhood, etc... My focus is on deep personal transformation, healing the personal wounds that create dissociated aspects of self, which are then reinforced by cultural conditioning. I also focus on cultural conditioning.
Kusameh Hewa Omala Thanks for sharing, Doug.
What do you think are the main reasons why men want to change in this way? I know from my own experience that letting down my defences is one of the hardest things I can ever do.
ManageWhat do you think are the main reasons why men want to change in this way? I know from my own experience that letting down my defences is one of the hardest things I can ever do.
Doug Miller Freud said, paraphrased, "All of psychoanalysis and psychotherapy is dealing with resistance." Suffering is one of the greatest motivators for change, and we do suffer.
Bottom line, men want to change for greater and deeper fulfillment. On the surface and initially, and this is Terrence Terry Real - Relational Life Institute stuff, they can "buy in" by realizing that their partners will stop nagging them and will be happier, it's better for their kids, and they won't face divorce and it's economic consequences.
Your acknowledgment of the difficulty of letting down your defenses is a great insight reflecting your own power and integrity. By creating a lot of love and safety, Elicia and I both create a space where we can directly move through defenses. It is sometimes tough work, but, as Bob Dylan said in All Along The Watchtower (I like Jimi's version better), the hour is getting late.
Bottom line, men want to change for greater and deeper fulfillment. On the surface and initially, and this is Terrence Terry Real - Relational Life Institute stuff, they can "buy in" by realizing that their partners will stop nagging them and will be happier, it's better for their kids, and they won't face divorce and it's economic consequences.
Your acknowledgment of the difficulty of letting down your defenses is a great insight reflecting your own power and integrity. By creating a lot of love and safety, Elicia and I both create a space where we can directly move through defenses. It is sometimes tough work, but, as Bob Dylan said in All Along The Watchtower (I like Jimi's version better), the hour is getting late.
Ron Alexander Guilt and grief feelings from the hurtful actions of our fearful, ignorant, unconscious members of our race.
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Kusameh Hewa Omala Yes. Fearful, ignorant, unconscious. I would add confused and deeply fragmented.
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Ron Alexander Hmm?
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Kusameh Hewa Omala For me to hurt someone else without expecting consequences I must have shut down parts of myself, fragmented myself into 'me' and 'not me'. This makes me confused because I'm never looking through a single lense, never acting whole heartedly, with the whole of myself in Accord.
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Ron Alexander O.K. I do want to make a point that 53% of white women as well as 63% of white men voted for trump. White women cannot be excluded from this dialogue.
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Ron Alexander I have had several more conscious white women tell me they carry the same guilt.
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Kusameh Hewa Omala Yes. I'm not excluding anyone. I just wanted to specifically look at what is hard about being a white man.
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Kusameh Hewa Omala Because white men are top of the food chain. (Arguably) The only way for they rest of us to be empowered is if you are prepared to give some of it up.
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Kusameh Hewa Omala What's your motivation for giving it up?
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Ron Alexander I already have, I gave up my wealth by working for equality. I believe in "One race, the human race, we are all one people." I was disinherited for my beliefs. I am blessed to have lost that conditioning I was brought up with. And I must say it is a long process, however I really think white women enable white men mainly because of fear of losing their economic privilege. Also, I have found that sexism is just as bad among Blacks as among whites.
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Ron Alexander Better title: How does a white person deal with the guilt of hurtful actions of his own race?
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