Yesterday as a student said good bye to me at the end of class
I interpreted her facial expression and voice to mean that she was disappointed somehow.
I felt a stab in my chest.
I did something wrong.
I wanted her approval.
I wrote down a bunch of thoughts I had.
I did some Work in the car on the way home and in bed at night.
This morning I am really looking at the idea of defense.
If I defend against anything that is the first act of war-- stab, fear.
Sitting with that, these ideas also came and feel very true.
I get her approval or I don't. What I am is not dependent on anything.
Inspiration that arises (through me or anyone) is natural, free flowing, depends on nothing. It's organic. Whatever is happening/ whatever I am doing (that looks like teaching) in any given moment(and there are not even any moments) is unconceptualizable. Any label is a lie, meaningless. And
To whatever she could say or think: yes, I am all things. yes, i can find that. There is nothing that I am not.
"There's nothing you can think about me,
I haven't already thought about me." Katie
(and mine is probably worse...smile emoticon
You are already living in hell--what you are imagining--
the worst that can happen is already happening--your thinking.
And it's over.
It can never get any worse than your thinking.
No one can ever give you a greater hell than you.
You are the expert.
In fact you are the ONLY one
who can ever do it.
And
You've lived it
and survived.
It passed.
It didn't last forever after all.
It's not permanent.
It's not you.
It didn't kill you
or even harm you
in any way.
(though perhaps right now it's
dis-arming you ...what a gift)
It comes to pass.
--it comes to clear out the crud
in the old pipes...
so the water/joy can run fresh and clear and clean
and unobstructed...
EASIER!
So much relief in this.
(thank you "student" of mine...
and let me be ever
your student,
ever the open mind
ever willing
what is
what is
and
what isn't
same
thank you
for not giving me
what i didn't really want
I interpreted her facial expression and voice to mean that she was disappointed somehow.
I felt a stab in my chest.
I did something wrong.
I wanted her approval.
I wrote down a bunch of thoughts I had.
I did some Work in the car on the way home and in bed at night.
This morning I am really looking at the idea of defense.
If I defend against anything that is the first act of war-- stab, fear.
Sitting with that, these ideas also came and feel very true.
I get her approval or I don't. What I am is not dependent on anything.
Inspiration that arises (through me or anyone) is natural, free flowing, depends on nothing. It's organic. Whatever is happening/ whatever I am doing (that looks like teaching) in any given moment(and there are not even any moments) is unconceptualizable. Any label is a lie, meaningless. And
To whatever she could say or think: yes, I am all things. yes, i can find that. There is nothing that I am not.
"There's nothing you can think about me,
I haven't already thought about me." Katie
(and mine is probably worse...smile emoticon
You are already living in hell--what you are imagining--
the worst that can happen is already happening--your thinking.
And it's over.
It can never get any worse than your thinking.
No one can ever give you a greater hell than you.
You are the expert.
In fact you are the ONLY one
who can ever do it.
And
You've lived it
and survived.
It passed.
It didn't last forever after all.
It's not permanent.
It's not you.
It didn't kill you
or even harm you
in any way.
(though perhaps right now it's
dis-arming you ...what a gift)
It comes to pass.
--it comes to clear out the crud
in the old pipes...
so the water/joy can run fresh and clear and clean
and unobstructed...
EASIER!
So much relief in this.
(thank you "student" of mine...
and let me be ever
your student,
ever the open mind
ever willing
what is
what is
and
what isn't
same
thank you
for not giving me
what i didn't really want
Rich Sanders I suffer with this one as well "I want her approval" - the truth is you can never have her approval, you can only have your own... you can imagine what is going in her head for as long as you like, you can interpret, and guess, and even ask her... BUT....See More
Joy Schultz I am very clear it is my own reaction. I was very clear in that moment, Rich. And I still need to do the Work when I stab me in the chest(when it happens). . I am the ONLY one who can give me hell...it can never get worse than my own thinking....all of that is mine. That whole post is about me--my thinking.
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